Where is the Outrage

This past week it was revealed that almost half of the children in Rochester live in poverty. This grim statistic gives Rochester the dubious ranking of SECOND in the nation. (As a side note, Syracuse holds is the title holder in child poverty, ranking first.) You can read more about this grim report here.

For context, the ranking is related to cities with 100,000 or more residents.

I moved to Rochester from a small town near Utica, NY in 1990 to attend college.

Being from a small town near a small city, I was captivated by all Rochester had to offer, but I was also stuck by the crime and the poverty. While there was certainly crime and poverty in my home town, it was nothing on the scale I saw in Rochester (of course Rochester is a much larger place than Utica).

Fast forward 30 years, and it seems that things have slowly continued to degrade, especially in the past couple years as the pandemic has taken hold and changed everything.

Some will say this is just a cynical perception on my part, but I don’t think so. I believe there is data that shows that crime has continued to worsen, and that poverty is still a terrible problem.

To me, the debate over how we got here, why it’s like this, and how to fix it has long since past.

Half of our community’s children live in poverty.

How can anyone read that and not get pissed?

Last year there were violent protests in the city over policing on our community. Cars were set on fire, businesses destroyed, people arrested and injured.

The community was angry about policing and they showed it. (I’m not getting into the debate over that situation, this post is not about police policy.)

People have every right to demand change and reform from their government, but when it comes to our children living in poverty, there is no protest. No outrage. No visible anger.

The article I reference above essentially says (among other things) that we all know it’s a problem, and it’s always been a problem.

Really?

It’s always been this way, so it’s ok?

I know it’s a huge problem with many causes. I know many communities around the country are dealing with similar situations. I’m aware that people feel hopeless and helpless. They are frustrated, worn down. Many have given up and accepted that this is how it is, for many it’s all they’ve ever know.

Maybe that’s why there are no protests. People are too tired and frustrated to bother. Or they are too busy simply trying to survive day to day to worry about anything else.

But I’m still amazed that there is no anger.

Why doesn’t someone lead a march and a protest to the front door of the Rochester City School Board demanding better outcomes for students (barely half of kids in city schools graduate from high school). If the graduation rate in Webster was 50%, you can guarantee the community would tie the school superintendent up and drag him through the streets.

Why aren’t people outside City Hall demanding the government do something? Why aren’t there protests at the county legislature. Why aren’t there full blown riots demanding our leaders find ways to break the cycle of poverty.

I know my words are simplistic, and probably the ramblings of an ignorant white suburbanite.

If I feel so strongly, why don’t I lead a protest, or burn some cars. I’m all talk, of course. I can sit comfortably in my home, reasonably sure I won’t get shot walking out my front door and where I can walk to the fridge and grab a snack any time I please.

Obviously it’s not for me to tell people in Rochester how to think or act or feel.

I certainly don’t condone violence, crime, or other harmful means to effect change.

But I sincerely don’t understand where the anger is.

After a child was shot getting off his school bus a few weeks back, it would have been nice to see someone, the mayor perhaps, or some other community leader, stand up and lose their mind. Show anger, demand change, lead the community.

Sadly the killings and violence have become normal over the years. It’s never a surprise when someone is killed, rather it’s a relief when a day (or two) passed without news of violence.

I don’t claim to have any answers. I’m not even sure the root cause of the problems are well understood.

Despite that, I just don’t understand the lack of outrage.

Maybe we’ve all given up.

It May Not Be Our Fault

We’ve all been hurt at one time or another through no fault of our own.

Our parents were cruel or negligent. A spouse was abusive or uncaring. We were bullied or mistreated at school or in social circles.

Most of us have experienced deep pain at some point in our lives.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t ask for it.

We’ve been hurt, angry, frustrated, devastated, confused, shocked, broken, and possibly even suicidal.

How could someone hurt us like that?

What did we do to them?

How am I going to get through this?

Will the pain ever go away?

It’s perfectly natural to blame the people who hurt us, they deserve the blame. Fair is fair. If someone’s hurt you, they deserve to be held accountable.

If you’re lucky, they might apologize or even try to make amends.

But many times we are left to suffer with our pain, alone.

We’re left to (try) and make sense of it.

We’re left to try and heal and move on.

Many of us get stuck blaming other’s and never progress any further.

Getting stuck is perfectly understandable, staying stuck is not.

We cannot control what someone else does. The people who hurt us, hurt us. We can’t stop them.

But we can choose to heal.

We can choose to pick ourselves up and move forward.

No one can make that choice for us. Of course there may be people who can help us heal, but the responsibility for healing falls directly on us.

Is that fair?

Probably not. After all, we didn’t do anything to deserve this pain.

But fair doesn’t matter, healing does, and it starts with us taking responsibility for ourselves, our lives, our emotions, and our actions.

It’s easy to stay stuck blaming other people, hoping they will apologize or acknowledge what they’ve done.

But until we accept responsibility for healing ourselves, we will never find peace.

Read books, find a counselor, talk to friends, watch YouTube videos, meditate, whatever you need to do.

But first accept responsibility for your own journey.

Once you do, the healing begins.

It Was Probably Obvious

Growing up my dad always bought Girl Scout cookies from the parents of Girl Scouts in his office.

To be honest, it was one of my favorite times of the year, especially as all those orders started rolling in!

The best part of the girl scout cookie haul was that my dad often stashed some of the Thin Mints in the big freezer we kept in the basement.

I’m not sure if he thought he was hiding them, or if he just liked them frozen. Perhaps my mom didn’t want them in the freezer in the kitchen.

Whatever the case, every year there would be a healthy supply of Thin Mints in the basement freezer.

No big deal, right? Cookies in the basement freezer, who cares?

Well, as luck would have it, my bedroom was in the basement of our house (long story), and only about 10 feet from the magic freezer holding the precious Thin Mints.

I always figured that my dad bought so many boxes of cookies that he would never miss one or two, so during the night I’d walk over and grab a sleeve of delicious minty goodness.

It was the perfect crime. I was in the basement, everyone else was upstairs. No noise, no sneaking around, virtually no way to get caught (unless my dad started numbering the boxes).

I don’t know if my dad ever noticed, or cared that I took Thin Mints, but in my mind it was a great little caper!

To this day I keep boxes of Thin Mints in the freezer, and every time I go to grab one at night I feel just a little naughty as the memories of those days come flooding back.

Every Day Should Be Valentines Day

Every day can’t be Valentine’s Day, of course, but the spirit of the day is something worth honoring all year.

Beyond the chocolates and cards and dinner reservations, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated, loved and valued?

How hard is it to make your partner feel loved and valued?

For most people, I doubt feeling loved and valued is the result of any grand gesture or act, but rather it’s the culmination of lots of little things such as:

• saying “I love you” often
• holding hands
• learning your partner’s love language
• writing little notes or texts
• doing something helpful around the house
• listening
• making time for your special someone

How often do we hear someone who’s lost their partner lament that they didn’t do more? They didn’t pay enough attention, they didn’t tell them they loved them as much as they should have, they spent too much time doing crap that didn’t matter?

Love takes effort. Love takes time.

Love matters. Effort matters. Time matters. Why wait until February 14 every year to show someone you love them? Why not show them you love them in little ways all year?

I Was Almost a Pornmaster

I remember the day I saw my first website (or webpage) as clear as day.

It 1997 and I was working for a small non-profit when a volunteer came in and started showing me the internet (as it was back then).

We dialed up through a phone line, waited a long time, typed in an address, and poof, there it was!

He had built a simple webpage for the non-profit organization claiming that it was the future. “Someday” he said, “everyone will have a web page, it will be like an online phonebook”.

I still chuckle at his description of the internet as an online phonebook, but in those early days that was about all it was. Because of slow connections, slow processors, and slow graphics, the most you could do was put up some text and maybe a few small graphics. No video, no audio, no podcasts, no flash.

My world changed that day. I began to think about how amazing it would be if everyone in the world got on the internet, and was able to somehow put all their knowledge out there for everyone else in the world to access. How amazing!

Of course it was also a fantasy at that time. But without knowing it on some level I had some idea of what was coming.

I was so taken by the internet that I went out and bought a huge book and taught myself to write HTML, the language of the internet. I wanted to learn how to make websites, I wanted to be a part of this coming wave of change.

After moving on to another job with more support and resources, I built and published my first website in 1998. It was wonderful! Simple, useful. I put as much content in there as possible, and it was met with fairly positive reviews from folks who interacted with our business.

From then on I was hooked. Technology was advancing rapidly, processors were getting faster, higher speed internet access was popping up in more places, and it seemed like people were starting to get more and more interested in the internet as more than just a curiosity.

Then, sometime in 1998, I stubbled across a website that had images of scantily clad women. I had found a very early form of a porn site.

Again, it was difficult to host high quality images, pages were slow to load and frustrating to view, but still, it was a beginning.

When I first saw this, it seemed like Playboy, but online, and without the wonderful articles. As usual my mind went racing ahead and I could certainly envision a future where this kind of material was easy to view, it was just a matter of technology moving ahead a little more.

And the thought popped into my head, people are going to start putting pornographic material on the internet, and there will certainly be incredible demand for it. Most importantly, I believed that the first people into the space would make a killing. It would be a fairly easy matter to get a site up and running, grow it, then sell it to someone for a small fortune.

These thoughts kept me awake at night. I could see the path to riches, the path to early retirement sitting right in front of me. I had the skills. I had the time. It seemed as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

I made up my mind to go for it. I would get a domain name, hire some models and a photographer, and I’d be off to a world of fast cars and fancy vacations.

But then I had a very different thought. The thought was more of a vision. A vision of me sitting on my pulling up to my grandparents house in my fancy sports car, going in and sitting on their couch for a visit, and then trying to explain to them the source of my wealth.

That vision made me ill. I wouldn’t want to tell my grandparents how I made my money. I realized that I probably wouldn’t want to tell anyone how I made my money.

My dreams of being a pornmaster ended abruptly that day. Twenty plus years later I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I have never regretted my choice.

Oddly enough my feelings about not becoming a pormnaster are less about the material and more about the main problem that still pervades the internet today, anonymity.

I would have been ok being a pornmaster, but only because I could do it in secret. I could hide my identity behind a corporation, no one at the grocery store would know they were standing next to a guy who got rich putting racy pics on the internet.

The really disturbing part was believing it was ok for me because it was anonymous. The fact that I didn’t want to do it out in the open was not ok with me.

The internet has evolved into a place where being anonymous empowers people to do all sorts of crazy, stupid, immoral, and dangerous things. Most people would never swear at someone or pick a fight with them in person, but online some people become angry, hateful monsters.

Bullying, threatening, degrading, humiliating, hating. You name it and people who feel emboldened by their anonymity on the internet are willing to let loose.

Maybe I’m lucky I learned my lesson about anonymity long ago. It’s certainly guided me and my journey on the internet. I’ve always stuck to a policy of not doing, saying, or posting anything online that I would be ok with if people knew my real name. I always use my real accounts, and I try to be as transparent as possible.

Of course I don’t have any reason to post hateful, angry or hurtful things, but there are other ways to cause harm, and the temptation to do something knowing you are anonymous can be tempting, especially if you are lashing out or seeking revenge.

I’ve been in, on and around the internet since its earliest days, and it’s certainly been fascinating to watch the evolution. It has brought out the best in some people, and the worst in others.

I’m grateful I did not allow it to bring out the worst in me.

January 1, 2022

Happy New Year!!

It feels weird to type “2022”. But here we are!

2021 was certainly an interesting year. I won’t waste time recapping things on a macro level except to say that I’m glad progress has been made against the pandemic although I had sincerely hoped that it would be mostly behind us by now.

On a micro level, 2021 was quite a year for me personally and professionally. I’ve never been busier in my life, and I’ve gained some level of confidence that I can make it outside a traditional corporate job.

On the good side of things, the people I helped buy and sell homes all walked away very happy. It took time and patience, but everyone ended up in a good place. I learned a lot about negotiations and about the value in focusing on the people involved much less than the process or the transaction.

I almost doubled my production with loan signings and again learned the value of treating people right rather than chasing dollars. Being able to take a breath and step back when things get tough has proven to be an invaluable skill.

2021 also brought some painful business lessons as well. I had two people walk away from closings less than a week before the papers were to be signed. I did a lot of work in both situations and walked away completely empty handed. While I understand that those folks did what they had to do, it had a terrible impact on my business as I am not yet successful enough to absorb large losses easily.

Most of all, I’ve learned that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living on other people’s schedules, and having so little control over so many variables.

I did everything I could for the two buyers who walked away, their decisions were based on their personal circumstances, and they were simply doing what was best for them. I handled everything in my control, but the variables outside my control proved to be harsh.

Loan signings have kept me busy, but the stress and anxiety is at times overwhelming. Title companies treat us like children, and they withhold a large percentage of the fee’s we are supposed to earn. Too many times documents aren’t ready or appointments are cancelled (or rescheduled) out of the blue.

Again, the common theme of so many variables outside my control.

I spent 2021 learning, doing my best to be on top of the things I can control, and trying to deal with the things I can’t control.

I’ve learned a ton, almost like trying to sip water from a fire hose!

As I look to 2022, there are a number of things I can improve, but most of all I need to wrap my head around one simple idea, I don’t want my earnings to depend on so many variables over which I have no control, and I don’t want to be tied down to other people’s schedules.

Put simply, I want to be in control of my income, and I want to be able to work anywhere in the world where I can get on the internet.

I’ve met countless wonderful people and seen numerous beautiful places in NY that I didn’t even know existed, but in 2022 I have to take steps towards a better life.

I’m grateful for all I’ve learned and experienced in the past year, and I’m excited to apply it to making more progress in 2022.

And on a more personal level, 2021 is the first year in memory that I did not experience any type of abuse from a partner. After two years of savage abuse in my marriage, time in counseling, and finally the realization that I do not need to allow that kind of thing in my life, 2021 was the year where everything changed.

I was fortunate enough to meet a couple people and while we didn’t develop a long term relationship, they were genuinely good humans, and they were exceptionally nice to me. While it may seem silly, that is not something I’ve been used to, and I take it as an indication that I can now recognize a healthy relationship, and that I can attract a person capable of being in a healthy relationship.

I leave 2021 behind with gratitude having learned so much. I’ve met wonderful people, and quite honestly I’ve survived and proven that I can pick myself up off the floor and keep going. I’ve realized that the most successful people aren’t necessarily the smartest or wealthiest, rather they are the people who keep going no matter how many times they get knocked down.

Thank you 2021, and welcome 2022!

Christmas is Over

The holiday season, especially Christmas, is always a paradox for me. It should be the happiest time of the year with all the family, food, and fun, I mean who doesn’t like getting presents!

We hear happy music and we hear messages of joy and gratitude. People (generally) seem to be in a better mood for a few weeks and many folks even get a few days off from work. There are lots of bright lights and joyful images everywhere helping to remind us of the season.

I desperately want to share in it, to feel it deep inside me. I would love to feel the warmth and love and closeness that so many people seem to enjoy during this time of year. It would be wonderful to be immersed in the holiday’s and to be sad when they are over.

But I don’t, and it’s not for the lack of trying. Every year I tell myself I’m going to feel it. I’m going to get into the spirit of the season, I’m going to finally understand why people love this time of year so much.

And every year I fail. This year was no different.

In almost every way 2021 has been a wonderful year. Business has more than doubled from the previous year, one of my kids graduated from high school and has been flourishing in college. My other kids are doing wonderfully well. I have fully enjoyed the first full year in decades completely free of abuse and drama.

I had hoped to end the year on a high note and fully immerse myself in the holiday season. I had planned to put my lights up early and in October I set out to do my Christmas shopping early (for once!).

But as the season grew near, those intentions fell to the wayside. I dug the lights out, but didn’t put them up. I thought about Christmas shopping, but didn’t. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I found myself right back where I always am, just wishing for it to be over.

To be clear, I don’t mope around, I don’t act like a grinch. I’m not negative or cynical. In fact, I put on a smile and a happy front, pretending to be just as happy as everyone else seems to be. I try very hard to keep my feelings to myself in hopes that I don’t bring anyone else down.

Despite my efforts and hopes, this holiday season was no different than any other. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise, in retrospect there’s no reason it should have been any different. Having a good year and willing myself to have a better holiday is hardly a solid course of action.

Looking back, the holidays were always difficult. My parents divorced when I was young, and while they did their best to make the holidays special, I don’t think I ever got over things being divided up, leaving one place where I was happy for a place that made me sad.

The holidays never felt special, rather they felt like a serious of timelines and benchmarks that had to be met. It was hard to enjoy the day with the knowledge that we were leaving at some point to go with our other parent.

I could probably write a book about all that, but I won’t. I’ll simply say that it was hard to really enjoy the holidays while I was growing up.

Fast forward 20 years and I have a family of my own. There’s no way to feel bad at Christmas when you have little kids in the house. I imagine there were a few years when I enjoyed the holidays.

But eight years ago we divorced, and all the bad about the holiday’s came rushing back.

No more enjoying the time, no more relaxing. Instead the time again became about schedules and timelines. I found it difficult again to enjoy the time knowing it was going to end prematurely.

My kids are older now and Christmas has certainly evolved with them. This year we were lucky to get Christmas in before lunch time. (Apparently 9 am is the crack of dawn for college kids!)

While the morning was nice, for me it was overshadowed by the knowledge that the kids would soon be gone. I tried to live in the moment and to enjoy what time I had, and I did to some extent.

But inevitably everyone left.

I believe some day I’ll unlock the secret to a happy holiday, and on the 26th I’ll be sitting here writing about how amazing the holiday was and how sad I am that it’s over.

Unfortunately that’s not this year, and that’s ok. I did incrementally better this year. I had moments of joy, moments where I didn’t let the past of the future intrude.

So that’s a good thing, and something to build on for next year.

Only A Couple Hours Left

It’s 10pm. In two hours it will be December 22, my birthday.

Birthday’s are nothing special when they happen at Christmas time, but this year is a little different as I will be turning 50 in a couple hours.

My last day of my 49th year has been busy, and it’s just now that I have a minute to stop and collect my thoughts.

I wish there had been an internet like this one when I was 20, and that I had a blog. It would be very interesting to see what my 20 year old self might have said about turning 50. I suspect that almost nothing I would have predicted 30 years ago would have happened. But I’ll take a shot.

• I’d be married for 35+ years
• I’d have 2 kids
• I’d be far up in a large company
• I’d have a comfortable retirement nest egg
• I’d have traveled to places like Italy and Ireland
• My kids would be in college

I’ll be 50 in a couple hours, so here’s how that list I would have made at 20 compares to the reality of today.

• I’m twice divorced
• I have 3 amazing kids
• I’m self employed
• What’s retirement?
• I’ve been to Canada a bunch of times
• 2 of 3 kids are in college

Of course there are lots of other life things that I might have added back then, but it’s safe to say that my life at 50 is nothing like I would have imagined back when I was 20. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching someone else’s life given how far it has gone from what I would have predicted.

But that’s ok. My first 50 years have been interesting, to say the least. I truly believe that I’ve learned a lot, and that the next 50 years have the potential to be amazing thanks to everything I’ve learned. (Yes, I hope to live another 50 years. I believe my generation will expect to live longer than those before us, and to live reasonably well.)

So in the final few hours of my 49th year, what sticks out most?

• I’m grateful beyond words that my kids are healthy and happy, and that they are genuinely good humans. Each of them are already better people than I am.
• I’ve survived two brutally abusive marriages. I could easily write a book about both, but thanks to a really good counselor I’ve finally figured out how I ended up in those situations, and more importantly how to not end up in them ever again. I am extremely grateful for this revelation otherwise I’d be doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes.
• I’m self employed. It still sounds weird to say it. Some days I find it terrifying! I miss getting paid every two weeks! But I’ve learned a ton, and 2021 was a remarkable year. There’s no reason to think 2022 won’t continue the upward trend. I’m very grateful to not be stuck at a cubicle having the life sucked out of me every day.
• I’m still here. It occurred to me today that a fair number of people I went to high school and college with did not make it to 50, or anywhere close for that matter. Life is a fleeting gift that can be taken from any of us at any moment.
• There’s still lots to do. Real estate and loan signings have been an improvement from corporate life, but this is still not the life I want. I’m a slave to other people’s whim’s, my time is absolutely not my own. I have the skills to begin building income streams online, and that’s the only way I will achieve the freedom I seek. I want to be free to work on my time from anywhere on the planet with an internet connection. driving 5,000 miles a month, having people walk away from deals at the last possible second, and always doing things on timelines other people set is still not freedom. but freedom is attainable, if I choose it.

That’s about it for my 49th year. I could probably write 100 blog posts about the past 50 years. But that would be looking backward, I need to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead!