The holiday season, especially Christmas, is always a paradox for me. It should be the happiest time of the year with all the family, food, and fun, I mean who doesn’t like getting presents!

We hear happy music and we hear messages of joy and gratitude. People (generally) seem to be in a better mood for a few weeks and many folks even get a few days off from work. There are lots of bright lights and joyful images everywhere helping to remind us of the season.

I desperately want to share in it, to feel it deep inside me. I would love to feel the warmth and love and closeness that so many people seem to enjoy during this time of year. It would be wonderful to be immersed in the holiday’s and to be sad when they are over.

But I don’t, and it’s not for the lack of trying. Every year I tell myself I’m going to feel it. I’m going to get into the spirit of the season, I’m going to finally understand why people love this time of year so much.

And every year I fail. This year was no different.

In almost every way 2021 has been a wonderful year. Business has more than doubled from the previous year, one of my kids graduated from high school and has been flourishing in college. My other kids are doing wonderfully well. I have fully enjoyed the first full year in decades completely free of abuse and drama.

I had hoped to end the year on a high note and fully immerse myself in the holiday season. I had planned to put my lights up early and in October I set out to do my Christmas shopping early (for once!).

But as the season grew near, those intentions fell to the wayside. I dug the lights out, but didn’t put them up. I thought about Christmas shopping, but didn’t. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I found myself right back where I always am, just wishing for it to be over.

To be clear, I don’t mope around, I don’t act like a grinch. I’m not negative or cynical. In fact, I put on a smile and a happy front, pretending to be just as happy as everyone else seems to be. I try very hard to keep my feelings to myself in hopes that I don’t bring anyone else down.

Despite my efforts and hopes, this holiday season was no different than any other. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise, in retrospect there’s no reason it should have been any different. Having a good year and willing myself to have a better holiday is hardly a solid course of action.

Looking back, the holidays were always difficult. My parents divorced when I was young, and while they did their best to make the holidays special, I don’t think I ever got over things being divided up, leaving one place where I was happy for a place that made me sad.

The holidays never felt special, rather they felt like a serious of timelines and benchmarks that had to be met. It was hard to enjoy the day with the knowledge that we were leaving at some point to go with our other parent.

I could probably write a book about all that, but I won’t. I’ll simply say that it was hard to really enjoy the holidays while I was growing up.

Fast forward 20 years and I have a family of my own. There’s no way to feel bad at Christmas when you have little kids in the house. I imagine there were a few years when I enjoyed the holidays.

But eight years ago we divorced, and all the bad about the holiday’s came rushing back.

No more enjoying the time, no more relaxing. Instead the time again became about schedules and timelines. I found it difficult again to enjoy the time knowing it was going to end prematurely.

My kids are older now and Christmas has certainly evolved with them. This year we were lucky to get Christmas in before lunch time. (Apparently 9 am is the crack of dawn for college kids!)

While the morning was nice, for me it was overshadowed by the knowledge that the kids would soon be gone. I tried to live in the moment and to enjoy what time I had, and I did to some extent.

But inevitably everyone left.

I believe some day I’ll unlock the secret to a happy holiday, and on the 26th I’ll be sitting here writing about how amazing the holiday was and how sad I am that it’s over.

Unfortunately that’s not this year, and that’s ok. I did incrementally better this year. I had moments of joy, moments where I didn’t let the past of the future intrude.

So that’s a good thing, and something to build on for next year.