When there is no more

A year ago tonight I stood in a small room with other family members and watched my Grandfather pass away. As he frequently reminded us he had lived a good and long life and was more than ready to be with my Grandmother who had passed away a year and a half earlier. 

To be perfectly honest, it was a perplexing evening as I was (naturally) sad at his passing, but at the same time I was happy that he had finally been granted his final wish. The entire experience was very different that what we see in the movies and left me deep in thought for many months afterward. On the year anniversary of his death I find myself with one overpowering thought on the whole experience: the finality and absolute end that death brings.

For years my grandfather would tell us that he had lived a very good life and that he had no regrets and he felt very fortunate to be able to say that. Perhaps that’s why I met his passing with both sadness and joy – sadness and what was really my loss, but joy at a life well lived. 

On the long ride home the night he passed, I also realized that it really didn’t matter if someone had no regrets – death will eventually take all of us whether we are ready of not. Death isn’t going to stop and ask us if we are ready, it will simply take us without regret or remorse or emotion. 

It is very cliche to say ‘live in the moment’ or ‘live for today’ or ‘live without regrets’ (of course there are hundreds of such sayings). But I’ve realized in the past year that it’s a long way from saying it to truly living it. I’ve tried hard to evaluate my life over the past year – trying to sort out things that I might someday regret doing from those I might someday regret not doing. Such thinking has begun to reshape my behavior and caused me to reevaluate some choices that I make, particularly as it pertains to family and how I spend my time. 

It’s possible I will live a long life, it’s also possible I will not wake up tomorrow. In addition to the other gifts my Grandparents gave me, the most valuable may end up being a different way of looking at things and the stark reality that there will come a time when it won’t matter if I have regrets or not. This realization has made it clear to me the importance of trying hard to live without regrets with the hope that one day I will be fortunate enough to leave this place content and satisfied. 

Occupy This

The ‘Occupy’ movement has been going on for a month or 2 and today there was a big dust-up in NYC as the police threw the protesters out of a park that apparently is privately owned, but has some connection to the city. The protesters went to court and got a judge to order the city to allow them back into the park with their tents and sleeping bags and such.

Technically the protesters are breaking the law by staying in the park all night (most parks close at 11pm), but I think the bigger issue here is the disruption to people near the park and those who like to use the park as a park. 

This morning there was a woman on the news who said she would really like the park back and that she misses visiting the park during her lunch break. Others have said they they too would like the park back and some local residents have apparently grown tired of the constant noise and distraction. 

I have to admit that I really don’t understand what the Occupy folks are protesting about, but I know I’ve enjoyed public parks during lunch or after dinner and I would be rather put off if I had to walk through a tent village rather than stroll through the park. 

This whole situation brings up the classic issue of rights. The Occupy people claim they have the right to break the law and take over the park, but what about the rights of ordinary citizens who like to use the park as a park?  Who’s rights are more important? A judge ordered that the Occupy people were to be let back into the park, but it would be interesting to know what he or she thought about the rights of the greater public. Does the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many?

I’ve always been fascinated by the issue of rights when the rights apparently conflict with someone else’s rights. I guess there are no easy answers, but if it were me, I’d like my right to eat my lunch in peace in a public park, free from tents and protesters. 

Snow

This morning it started snowing big, fat, wet, white flakes. Although I usually grow to despise the snow as the season wears on, the first snow is always a thrill. I think I feel the same sense of excitement today that I did as a little kid.

I live in a world of over-stimulation and distraction from iPads and iPods to TV and smart phones. I’m plugged into something from the time I get up until I go to bed at night. Seeing the snow this morning made me stop and think about how something so simple and so natural (not digital) could stir up such feelings.

I worry a lot about being ‘too’ plugged in – that I am missing the beauty of things around me be it a pretty flower or a bluebird or the stars in the night sky. Oddly being connected seems to connect me to the world in a different way, but it still feels disconnected at times. 

Being connected is a strange thing as I often wonder the value of being the first to know things on Twitter vs hearing it later on the news. Does being among the first to know breaking news bring any value to my life?  I’m not sure. 

Maybe I need to find balance between digital and natural connectivity. I have to believe there’s room in life for both.

Sick

I’ve been sick as a dog for several weeks – I suspect that a cold has somehow turned into a sinus infection. As I’m sitting here I can’t hear much and my teeth hurt. No fun.

Why does this matter?  It doesn’t. I don’t get sick very often, but when I do it’s not simple or quick. But it makes me think about my health in general and the impact that it has on  my life.

I will turn 40 soon and I am in great shape physically and I am eating better than ever. Hopefully this trend will continue throughout my life and hopefully I will be able to live a fairly long time in a healthy fashion.  I don’t know who said it, but I once read a quote saying something to the effect that without your health, you have nothing.

In general it seems like too many people ignore their health and end up popping pills and spending lots of time visiting doctors and being generally miserable.  I know exercise and eating right is a mystery to many folks, but I feel bad for those who suffer a lower quality of life due to their health. 

Of course I realize many people have genetic issues or other health problems that are unavoidable, but I’m talking about people who could be fairly healthy with a little effort.  

As I cross the barrier to 40 and beyond I look forward to playing with my kids, hikes, bike rides, vacations, etc. I believe the being fairly healthy will be a necessary part of being able to enjoy my future plans. Of course I’m aware that things can happen no matter how hard I try to avoid them, but hopefully putting in a little effort will tip the odds in my favor.

Turning 40 doesn’t really matter much to me – to be honest I celebrate every birthday the same as I am happy to keep having them – the alternative wouldn’t be very pleasant.