December 1, 2021

Today is not only the beginning of the final month of 2021, but it also marks the final month of my 49th year on this big ball of mud we call Earth.

Normally I don’t pay much attention to such things, but in 21 days I will celebrate my 50th birthday.

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like to be 50, but with a few minor exceptions, I don’t feel much different than I did when I turned 30. I am grateful beyond words for the many blessings in my life including my good health and the health and happiness of my kids. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and I continue to make strides in my entrepreneurial journey.

The life I’m living as I turn 50 is also not the life I would have envisioned for myself decades ago. That’s not really a bad thing, and I’m grateful that I have learned so much along the way to 50.

What have I learned?

• Kindness is everything
• Relationships matter more than things ever will
• Things are never as bad as they first seem
• The sun always comes up tomorrow (even if it’s behind the clouds)
• It’s possible to be kind but firm
• Self care doesn’t make one selfish
• We can’t control what happens to us, but we absolutely control how we deal with what happens to us
• Hurt people hurt people
• No one gets to dictate how I see myself
• No one deserves to be abused, for any reason, ever
• The most successful people are not necessarily the smartest, richest, or most gifted, they are usually the one’s who don’t give up. They are relentless. Nothing stops them.
• Good health is worth more than any amount of money or possessions

There are lots more things I’ve learned, of course. But those are the heavy hitters. I plan to be able to make an even bigger list when I’m 60, then 70, and beyond. I know learning will never end for me!

The holiday’s are always a time of reflection for me, and I imagine the coming weeks will be even more so as my 50th approaches. On some level’s it’s hard to believe it, it seems like just yesterday the 50 year old people I knew seemed so old! How can I be one of them?

I’m grateful to have made it this far, many people don’t. I’m grateful to be healthy, a little smarter, and still burning with the desire to get the most out of life.

The first 50 have been very interesting. I can’t wait to apply what I’ve learned to the next 50!

I am my own harshest critic, often times unfairly and unnecessarily. 

Recently I read a quote asking why we treat other people better than we treat ourselves. Shouldn’t we look out for ourselves first? 

Why would I give someone the shirt off my back, do things that put me at tremendous inconvenience, make me sad or angry, but can barely find time to love myself? 

In a few minutes I leave to march in a parade. Music is my first love. I will pick up a pair of sticks and play any time, anywhere, anything possible. It’s just in me. For the 10 or 15 minutes that we march down the street nothing else exists. 

I feel the music in me. As the music comes in, my hands move and things come out. It’s beyond notes and rhythms. It’s not time signatures or key changes. 

It’s about energy, about flow, about being one with something. It’s as though time stands still. All my problems are gone, all my anxiety stops, the thoughts that race through my head from sun up until sun down are still. 

And yet I will beat myself up for not marching perfectly straight, or missing a beat, or not staying perfectly in line. 

I have so much love that I give to others. I would do anything for anyone if they ask, and sometimes if they don’t. 

Why don’t I show myself the same compassion? Until I can unlock that question, I will never be all that I am meant to be. 

Just Keep Swimming

Most of the time I’m upbeat, I see the good in things and people, and I try to see the lighter side of life.

Today isn’t one of those days. I rolled out of bed in a foul mood, more depressed than angry. I started to watch the news but had to turn it off after watching a story about a police officer being shot. The emotions of such an event simply overcame me. 

It is a beautiful day outside, so I headed out to mow the lawn and plant a tree. Usually the fresh air makes me feel better. No such luck. 

Ironically I had a great time last night going to the Rochester International Jazz festival. It is a week long event that really makes it worthwhile living in a crazy place like NY. Food, fun, music, people. It was all there, and I soaked up every minute of it. 

But that was last night. 

I don’t know what changed. Maybe I didn’t sleep well? Maybe I need to drink more water? Who knows. 

This happens from time to time. I’ve learned that sometimes the day wasn’t really meant for me, and it’s best to just ride it out and to do my best to put one foot in front of the other. Or as Dorie in Finding Nemo put it, “just keep swimming”.

Being human is a complicated game (for me at least). I know some folks who don’t seem to have a care in the world. I envy them!! (Although I suspect they have cares, they just don’t let us know.)

Oddly enough  my mood has led me to be fairly productive already today, so I guess that’s not a bad thing. 

But I still wish there were day’s when I could detach my head or my heart, put it on a shelf and give it a rest. 

On Father’s Day

Every year before Father’s Day I tell my kids not to get me anything. I imagine many father’s do the same thing. Who needs another tie, or mug, or “World’s Greatest Dad” tshirt?

Like many holidays (Mother’s Day, Valentines Day, etc), Father’s day seems like a day made up by corporate America to squeeze some more money from our wallets.

Shouldn’t we be thankful for our dad’s every day? Shouldn’t we tell our dad’s we appreciate them more than once a year? And most importantly, shouldn’t we actually tell them, rather than just throwing a card written by someone else and a tie at them?

I tell my kids not to get me anything for Father’s Day not because I am trying to protest a rather silly holiday, but because all I really want from them is time.

As my kids are getting older, there seems to be less and less time to spend together, and that’s perfectly normal (in my opinion). I expect my kids to go into the world and do things. Sports, friends, music, whatever.

Live. Love. Do.

But that leaves less and less time to spend together. Not long ago they were 100% dependent on me, now they are more dependent on my wallet and my car.

Time is what I want. A day, or even a few hours to spend together doing something. Swimming, cooking out, walking the dog, playing a game. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me.

The accumulation of “stuff” is great, and it’s the American way, but all I really want is the accumulation of experiences, time spent with the people I love, and the memories from them that I can enjoy for the rest of my life.

It’s easier to give a card and a tie. It’s easier to send a text or put something on Facebook.

But time is what matters, and I hope that I can pass that lesson along to my kids, for as much as I dislike Father’s Day as a holiday, I also see it as a chance to help my kids see an important truth and learn an important life lesson.

Accumulate experiences. Tell people who matter that they matter. Live, love, laugh. Our time here is short and it can end in an instant, and then it will be too late.

Haters will Hate

These are not my words, but after returning from a attempt by a hater to have me punished legally, I feel like it’s too important of a message not to share. 

Do big or important things and there will be haters. Do controversial things and there will be haters. Do good things and yes, there will probably still be haters. That’s how it is today and how it’s been for all of time.

The Stoic does two things when encountering hatred or ill opinion in others. They ask: Is this opinion inside my control? If there is a chance for influence or change this person’s opinion—with a conversation, with their actions, with a little more context or explanation—they take it. But if there isn’t, they accept this person as they are. They don’t hate a hater. They don’t throw more time after a lost cause. Our job is tough enough already. We don’t have time to think about what other people are thinking, even if it’s about us.