16 Years Ago Today

16 years ago today, very early in the morning, we headed to the hospital for the birth of our third child.

It would be our third child born by c-section, so we were pretty familiar with what we were in for. I have to admit, while I was very excited to meet the newest member of our family, there was a part of me that was a little apprehensive.

Our first two children were girls, and (according to our doctor), the chances of having a boy after two girls weren’t great.

Being the older brother to three sisters, I’m very familiar with having a house full of women and while I certainly wasn’t dreading the idea of being the only man in a house of four women, I was secretly hoping for a boy, despite the unfavorable odds.

Since we chose not to find out the sex of our kids before they were born, there was a good amount of anticipation on my part as we went through all the steps leading up to the surgery.

At one point the doctor and I were “scrubbing up’ and she was joking with me about having another girl. As I recall the last thing she said was “well, there’s always a chance you might get a boy” and the she chuckled and walked away.

Thankfully things went well, and when our little one finally appeared the doctor invited me to stand up and peek over the screen as she declared “it’s a boy!”

I hate to say I actually started laughing! I believe I said something to the effect of “good one doc,” thoroughly convinced she was continuing to have fun at my expense.

But sure enough, as I looked closer, it was a boy!

I almost fell over! All the joking, all the thoughts of a life filled with Disney princesses, dresses, and boyfriends and somehow I had a son!

What a crazy morning! I don’t think the reality of the situation settled in until later that night when I want home to be with the girls. Suddenly my future was filled with Disney princesses AND football!

I’ve never stopped counting my blessings since the day my first daughter was born 20 years ago. I am beyond grateful that I have three happy, healthy and good humans to call my kids.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had a third girl. Of course I would have loved her and cherished her, but in all honestly, having a son has turned out to be a wonderful journey.

“But”

The Cambridge dictionary says the word ‘but’ is used to connect ideas that contrast.

In recent year’s I’ve noticed that the word ‘but’ is also used to politely, or perhaps passive aggressively hurt someone or to give unwelcomed advice.

• “It’s none of my business, but………”
• “I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but……”
• “He’s such a great dad, but………”
• “I appreciate you cleaning the house, but….”

I would challenge you to start any of those sentences and end them with anything good or positive or kind. Whatever follows the ‘but’ in those cases is going to bad 100% of the time.

During the course of an abusive marriage, I noticed my partner using the word ‘but’ frequently and it quickly became a trigger for me. Whenever I hear the word ‘but’ the next thing that enters my mind is “oh great, here it comes”.

And usually it does.

While there are harmless uses of the word ‘but’ I’ve noticed that in most cases the use is anything but (there you go) harmless.

I’m not sure what causes people to feel justified in using the word ‘but’ to say something nice, then something unkind or unwanted. I imagine there’s some psychological reason for it, or maybe some people are just jerks!

Ultimately I’m grateful for my heightened awareness of the word ‘but’ as it has helped me see through people and situations. When I hear it the tenor of the conversation changes and I become much more skeptical about the person and the situation.

6 Degrees of Separation

My first appointment this morning was a routine refinance with a really nice couple at their home on Seneca Lake.

They were friendly and we chatted about various things throughout the signing. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation wound its way to the wife mentioning that she was born in Oklahoma, but she did.

Which was weird, because I was also born in Oklahoma. When I said “believe it or not, I was born in Oklahoma” she replied with “oh really, where?”

I told her I was born in Altus Oklahoma, on the Air Force base. (Side note – I’m note really sure I was born on the base, but my dad was stationed there, so I was born somewhere in Altus.)

To that she replied “I was born and raised in Altus!”

I was shocked! Seneca Lake is a long way from Altus Oklahoma, and we were just random strangers brought together by a mortgage refinance signing.

To make matters ever more surprising, the husband mentioned that he was stationed at the base in Altus (a few years before I was born). He was one of the brave people in the missile silo’s during he Cuban missile crisis.

What a small world!

We spent some time after this discovery talking about Altus. My dad moved on from Altus when I was a baby, and I therefore have no recollection of the place, but this nice couple gave me the quick story of Altus and what it was like to grow up and live there.

It was a remarkable experience and I found myself wishing I could have stayed longer and learned more about my birthplace.

Throughout the day I’ve been caught up thinking about the randomness of this morning, and the odds of meeting two people with whom I share such a connection.

I’m grateful for the brief time I spend with those folks this morning, and grateful to learn a little bit about my past. I hope to someday visit Altus and to explore my birthplace a little.

Courage Is Calling – My First Book Review

I’m not sure if I’ve ever done a book review online, so this may be my first one. I don’t usually feel compelled to write a review (although I have done so online when asked), but in this case, I was pleasantly surprised by what I read and felt it might be helpful to share my thoughts in hopes someone may find them helpful.

Courage is Calling, the newest book from Ryan Holiday, turned out to be a pleasant surprise. I’ve read Mr Holiday’s other books and enjoyed them very much, especially Ego is the Enemy. I find his writing style easy to follow, and his methods for imparting the wisdom of the stoics to be very digestible.

To be honest, I wasn’t really very excited about this newest book. Courage is a word that seems to get thrown around and abused quite a bit nowadays, but I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did.

The subtitle of the book is “Fortune Favors the Brave”. As I wound my way through the pages I realized that Mr Holiday’s message was fairly simple, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Courage is a choice.

Mr. Holiday cites several examples of historic figures from the stoics up to Martin Luther King Jr who have been faced with the opportunity to shrink, to run, to hide, but they chose to stand tall and push ahead despite the potential consequences.

With the benefit of hindsight, we know that many times things worked out for people, but Mr. Holiday makes it clear that in the moment, there was no such certainty, yet the figures he mentioned chose to press on.

Often times the figures in the book faced great opposition from family, friends, and society, but something inside them drove them to make their own choice, to follow their own path, and to reap the rewards or consequences therein.

I’m grateful to Mr. Holiday for writing this book and highlighting the possibility that courage is a choice. While reflecting on the book, I realized that I often think of courage as something we are born with, or without. But I realize now that it’s not that simple.

The figures in the book all made a choice. They started into the dark, into opposition, into uncertainty, and still decided to act. They were brave enough to follow their heart.

It’s made me rethink many things in my own life. Situations I encounter where I shrink and “play small”. I let someone else’s opposition or my own fears keep me from acting. I take the easy way out. I lack courage in those moments.

Tomorrow I will confront someone who has considerable ill will toward me. They wish to harm me. I have tried for more than a year to appease this person, taking the high road, and absorbing their insults and accusations.

I told myself I was taking the high road. But I wasn’t. I was afraid. Afraid of them. Afraid of what they are willing to do to me.

But I have been foolish. I have done my homework. There is precious little this person can do to me. Their threats have been hot air, bluffs, and stall tactics.

It will come to a head tomorrow night. I will confront this person and although I will listen and be polite and respectful, after reading Courage is Calling I’ve decided that I will not yield. I have to summon the courage to stand up and confront my abuser.

Tomorrow night I have a choice. I am not a victim or a helpless pawn. I can stand up for myself, and more importantly for what’s right. Courage is Calling has helped me reframe this situation, and many others.

I hate to boil 278 pages down to a few simple sentences, but frankly what I took from this book is that courage is a choice and once we view it as a choice, we begin to unlock all the things that go with the choices we can make.