And Life Went On

Last night, life went on.

Three days ago someone ambushed two Rochester police officers, killing one, injuring another.

In a city wracked with violence, where killings and shootings and violence seem to be business as usual, we have ended up with dead and one injured police officer.

As expected the mayor and some community leaders, as well as leaders in law enforcement spoke out about the violence and the need for it to end. Some called for prayers.

The sadness over such a senseless tragedy hangs over the community like a heavy blanket. Not just the killing of a police office, but the violence that has a vice like grip on the community.

Last night I marched in a parade in East Rochester. There were signs of support for the Rochester Police Department. The group with whom I marched, the Penfield Fire Department, had signs in the windows of the fire trucks supporting the RPD.

The parade was like most, big crowds, lots of music and other noise. People celebrating and having fun. After two years of cancellations due to the pandemic, it was very much like the “old days”, almost normal, if there is such a thing.

At the end of the parade was a carnival filled with rides and food and games and music.

This year the crowd seemed larger than ever. At times it was hard to move as people waited patiently in long lines to get on their favorite rides and to get their hot dogs and fried dough.

Under the canopy of the beer tent it was a little less frantic and I was offered a chance to step back and take it all in.

In that moment I was struck by the reality that only a couple miles to the east there was a community (Fairport, the slain officer’s home town) mourning the loss of a husband, father, son and neighbor, and a couple miles to the west, a city suffering the weight of anger, violence, and hate.

Yet there we were in the middle of those two places where none of that seemed to matter. I’m sure many people there, especially the many police, fire, and other first responders had the weight of recent events in their hearts, but the majority of folks were simply having fun on a hot summer night.

Quite simply, life went on.

There was another murder and multiple shootings in the city last night.

We keep hearing reports about the slain officer and how much his service meant to the city of Rochester, and how much his life meant to the Fairport community.

In the coming days the slain officer will be laid to rest, and the community will say goodbye to someone who made a difference.

In the coming days the coward who ambushed those officers will begin his journey through the court and penal system.

And life will go on.

It’s easy to get lost in the sadness, anger, frustration, and senselessness of the world around us. It’s easy to think things are dark, wishing for “the good old days” when things were simpler.

But life goes on.

Despite sadness, tragedy, anger, and hate being on either side of us last night, thousands of people still went out and had a good time. They laughed, danced, drank, rode, and embraced the moment.

Because life goes on. It has for thousands of years, and it may for thousands more.

Human’s seem to find a way to pick up, dust off, and keep going, even in the ugliest of times.

Life goes on.

Where is the Middle

In the past two weeks, we have again witnessed the senseless murder of innocent people.

First it was 10 people at a grocery store. This past week it was little kids and teachers at an elementary school.

Almost before the bodies were cold, the tired old rhetoric and debates started up.

As always then these things happen, there are people who demand stricter gun control laws.

“Why do civilians need military-style weapons?”

And of course on the other side we have the folks who shout “you can have my gun when you pull it from my cold dead hand”.

I have no interest in debating which side is correct because I don’t believe either side is 100% correct.

And while both sides are dug in, bound and determined to be 100% correct to the exclusion of all other possibilities, people continue to get shot and die.

Where is the middle? Where is the acknowledgement that an answer may lie somewhere in between each extreme?

How can reasonable, rational people believe the answer to this horror is as simple as taking everyone’s gun’s away, or posting armed guards at the door of every school, or requiring background checks.

Watching stories on the news of innocent people, particularly school children being murdered in cold blood understandably stirs many emotions. Perhaps that emotion clouds our ability to find middle ground.

Have we lost the art of compromise? Have we lost the ability to agree that we all want to see an end to the horror that has become all too common on the nightly news?

It seems we have.

Is there anyone out there who could be a voice for the middle? Someone who could help both sides see the logic in coming together, ending the finger pointing and name calling.

Would it be the end of the world if someone, anyone on either side would just say “I understand where you are coming from, and while I respectfully disagree with your solution, I’d like to try to work together to see if we can come up with something that works while also considering all of our concerns”.

Instead we get angry finger pointing, name calling, opportunists trying to push their own agenda.

And all the while, people keep dying.

With the latest school shooting this week in Texas, it feels like we have learned nothing, and changed nothing since Columbine happened seemingly so long ago.

And worse, I doubt anyone in this country could honestly believe that this isn’t going to keep happening.

Why would it stop?

While we debate, point fingers, and dig in our heals, nothing changes.

Where is the middle?

Like too many things in our culture, it seems there is no middle anymore. We rarely hear about compromise, we rarely see people agree to disagree and still be civil towards each other.

“If you disagree with me, I hate you.”

Obviously that’s not true for everyone, but it seems like that mentality has become the norm.

No middle. No civility. No negotiation. No common ground.

My way or the highway.

Few things in life are black and white and it feels like we will never get anywhere until we rediscover the middle.

Where is the Outrage

This past week it was revealed that almost half of the children in Rochester live in poverty. This grim statistic gives Rochester the dubious ranking of SECOND in the nation. (As a side note, Syracuse holds is the title holder in child poverty, ranking first.) You can read more about this grim report here.

For context, the ranking is related to cities with 100,000 or more residents.

I moved to Rochester from a small town near Utica, NY in 1990 to attend college.

Being from a small town near a small city, I was captivated by all Rochester had to offer, but I was also stuck by the crime and the poverty. While there was certainly crime and poverty in my home town, it was nothing on the scale I saw in Rochester (of course Rochester is a much larger place than Utica).

Fast forward 30 years, and it seems that things have slowly continued to degrade, especially in the past couple years as the pandemic has taken hold and changed everything.

Some will say this is just a cynical perception on my part, but I don’t think so. I believe there is data that shows that crime has continued to worsen, and that poverty is still a terrible problem.

To me, the debate over how we got here, why it’s like this, and how to fix it has long since past.

Half of our community’s children live in poverty.

How can anyone read that and not get pissed?

Last year there were violent protests in the city over policing on our community. Cars were set on fire, businesses destroyed, people arrested and injured.

The community was angry about policing and they showed it. (I’m not getting into the debate over that situation, this post is not about police policy.)

People have every right to demand change and reform from their government, but when it comes to our children living in poverty, there is no protest. No outrage. No visible anger.

The article I reference above essentially says (among other things) that we all know it’s a problem, and it’s always been a problem.

Really?

It’s always been this way, so it’s ok?

I know it’s a huge problem with many causes. I know many communities around the country are dealing with similar situations. I’m aware that people feel hopeless and helpless. They are frustrated, worn down. Many have given up and accepted that this is how it is, for many it’s all they’ve ever know.

Maybe that’s why there are no protests. People are too tired and frustrated to bother. Or they are too busy simply trying to survive day to day to worry about anything else.

But I’m still amazed that there is no anger.

Why doesn’t someone lead a march and a protest to the front door of the Rochester City School Board demanding better outcomes for students (barely half of kids in city schools graduate from high school). If the graduation rate in Webster was 50%, you can guarantee the community would tie the school superintendent up and drag him through the streets.

Why aren’t people outside City Hall demanding the government do something? Why aren’t there protests at the county legislature. Why aren’t there full blown riots demanding our leaders find ways to break the cycle of poverty.

I know my words are simplistic, and probably the ramblings of an ignorant white suburbanite.

If I feel so strongly, why don’t I lead a protest, or burn some cars. I’m all talk, of course. I can sit comfortably in my home, reasonably sure I won’t get shot walking out my front door and where I can walk to the fridge and grab a snack any time I please.

Obviously it’s not for me to tell people in Rochester how to think or act or feel.

I certainly don’t condone violence, crime, or other harmful means to effect change.

But I sincerely don’t understand where the anger is.

After a child was shot getting off his school bus a few weeks back, it would have been nice to see someone, the mayor perhaps, or some other community leader, stand up and lose their mind. Show anger, demand change, lead the community.

Sadly the killings and violence have become normal over the years. It’s never a surprise when someone is killed, rather it’s a relief when a day (or two) passed without news of violence.

I don’t claim to have any answers. I’m not even sure the root cause of the problems are well understood.

Despite that, I just don’t understand the lack of outrage.

Maybe we’ve all given up.

It May Not Be Our Fault

We’ve all been hurt at one time or another through no fault of our own.

Our parents were cruel or negligent. A spouse was abusive or uncaring. We were bullied or mistreated at school or in social circles.

Most of us have experienced deep pain at some point in our lives.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t ask for it.

We’ve been hurt, angry, frustrated, devastated, confused, shocked, broken, and possibly even suicidal.

How could someone hurt us like that?

What did we do to them?

How am I going to get through this?

Will the pain ever go away?

It’s perfectly natural to blame the people who hurt us, they deserve the blame. Fair is fair. If someone’s hurt you, they deserve to be held accountable.

If you’re lucky, they might apologize or even try to make amends.

But many times we are left to suffer with our pain, alone.

We’re left to (try) and make sense of it.

We’re left to try and heal and move on.

Many of us get stuck blaming other’s and never progress any further.

Getting stuck is perfectly understandable, staying stuck is not.

We cannot control what someone else does. The people who hurt us, hurt us. We can’t stop them.

But we can choose to heal.

We can choose to pick ourselves up and move forward.

No one can make that choice for us. Of course there may be people who can help us heal, but the responsibility for healing falls directly on us.

Is that fair?

Probably not. After all, we didn’t do anything to deserve this pain.

But fair doesn’t matter, healing does, and it starts with us taking responsibility for ourselves, our lives, our emotions, and our actions.

It’s easy to stay stuck blaming other people, hoping they will apologize or acknowledge what they’ve done.

But until we accept responsibility for healing ourselves, we will never find peace.

Read books, find a counselor, talk to friends, watch YouTube videos, meditate, whatever you need to do.

But first accept responsibility for your own journey.

Once you do, the healing begins.

It Was Probably Obvious

Growing up my dad always bought Girl Scout cookies from the parents of Girl Scouts in his office.

To be honest, it was one of my favorite times of the year, especially as all those orders started rolling in!

The best part of the girl scout cookie haul was that my dad often stashed some of the Thin Mints in the big freezer we kept in the basement.

I’m not sure if he thought he was hiding them, or if he just liked them frozen. Perhaps my mom didn’t want them in the freezer in the kitchen.

Whatever the case, every year there would be a healthy supply of Thin Mints in the basement freezer.

No big deal, right? Cookies in the basement freezer, who cares?

Well, as luck would have it, my bedroom was in the basement of our house (long story), and only about 10 feet from the magic freezer holding the precious Thin Mints.

I always figured that my dad bought so many boxes of cookies that he would never miss one or two, so during the night I’d walk over and grab a sleeve of delicious minty goodness.

It was the perfect crime. I was in the basement, everyone else was upstairs. No noise, no sneaking around, virtually no way to get caught (unless my dad started numbering the boxes).

I don’t know if my dad ever noticed, or cared that I took Thin Mints, but in my mind it was a great little caper!

To this day I keep boxes of Thin Mints in the freezer, and every time I go to grab one at night I feel just a little naughty as the memories of those days come flooding back.

Every Day Should Be Valentines Day

Every day can’t be Valentine’s Day, of course, but the spirit of the day is something worth honoring all year.

Beyond the chocolates and cards and dinner reservations, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated, loved and valued?

How hard is it to make your partner feel loved and valued?

For most people, I doubt feeling loved and valued is the result of any grand gesture or act, but rather it’s the culmination of lots of little things such as:

• saying “I love you” often
• holding hands
• learning your partner’s love language
• writing little notes or texts
• doing something helpful around the house
• listening
• making time for your special someone

How often do we hear someone who’s lost their partner lament that they didn’t do more? They didn’t pay enough attention, they didn’t tell them they loved them as much as they should have, they spent too much time doing crap that didn’t matter?

Love takes effort. Love takes time.

Love matters. Effort matters. Time matters. Why wait until February 14 every year to show someone you love them? Why not show them you love them in little ways all year?

I Was Almost a Pornmaster

I remember the day I saw my first website (or webpage) as clear as day.

It 1997 and I was working for a small non-profit when a volunteer came in and started showing me the internet (as it was back then).

We dialed up through a phone line, waited a long time, typed in an address, and poof, there it was!

He had built a simple webpage for the non-profit organization claiming that it was the future. “Someday” he said, “everyone will have a web page, it will be like an online phonebook”.

I still chuckle at his description of the internet as an online phonebook, but in those early days that was about all it was. Because of slow connections, slow processors, and slow graphics, the most you could do was put up some text and maybe a few small graphics. No video, no audio, no podcasts, no flash.

My world changed that day. I began to think about how amazing it would be if everyone in the world got on the internet, and was able to somehow put all their knowledge out there for everyone else in the world to access. How amazing!

Of course it was also a fantasy at that time. But without knowing it on some level I had some idea of what was coming.

I was so taken by the internet that I went out and bought a huge book and taught myself to write HTML, the language of the internet. I wanted to learn how to make websites, I wanted to be a part of this coming wave of change.

After moving on to another job with more support and resources, I built and published my first website in 1998. It was wonderful! Simple, useful. I put as much content in there as possible, and it was met with fairly positive reviews from folks who interacted with our business.

From then on I was hooked. Technology was advancing rapidly, processors were getting faster, higher speed internet access was popping up in more places, and it seemed like people were starting to get more and more interested in the internet as more than just a curiosity.

Then, sometime in 1998, I stubbled across a website that had images of scantily clad women. I had found a very early form of a porn site.

Again, it was difficult to host high quality images, pages were slow to load and frustrating to view, but still, it was a beginning.

When I first saw this, it seemed like Playboy, but online, and without the wonderful articles. As usual my mind went racing ahead and I could certainly envision a future where this kind of material was easy to view, it was just a matter of technology moving ahead a little more.

And the thought popped into my head, people are going to start putting pornographic material on the internet, and there will certainly be incredible demand for it. Most importantly, I believed that the first people into the space would make a killing. It would be a fairly easy matter to get a site up and running, grow it, then sell it to someone for a small fortune.

These thoughts kept me awake at night. I could see the path to riches, the path to early retirement sitting right in front of me. I had the skills. I had the time. It seemed as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

I made up my mind to go for it. I would get a domain name, hire some models and a photographer, and I’d be off to a world of fast cars and fancy vacations.

But then I had a very different thought. The thought was more of a vision. A vision of me sitting on my pulling up to my grandparents house in my fancy sports car, going in and sitting on their couch for a visit, and then trying to explain to them the source of my wealth.

That vision made me ill. I wouldn’t want to tell my grandparents how I made my money. I realized that I probably wouldn’t want to tell anyone how I made my money.

My dreams of being a pornmaster ended abruptly that day. Twenty plus years later I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I have never regretted my choice.

Oddly enough my feelings about not becoming a pormnaster are less about the material and more about the main problem that still pervades the internet today, anonymity.

I would have been ok being a pornmaster, but only because I could do it in secret. I could hide my identity behind a corporation, no one at the grocery store would know they were standing next to a guy who got rich putting racy pics on the internet.

The really disturbing part was believing it was ok for me because it was anonymous. The fact that I didn’t want to do it out in the open was not ok with me.

The internet has evolved into a place where being anonymous empowers people to do all sorts of crazy, stupid, immoral, and dangerous things. Most people would never swear at someone or pick a fight with them in person, but online some people become angry, hateful monsters.

Bullying, threatening, degrading, humiliating, hating. You name it and people who feel emboldened by their anonymity on the internet are willing to let loose.

Maybe I’m lucky I learned my lesson about anonymity long ago. It’s certainly guided me and my journey on the internet. I’ve always stuck to a policy of not doing, saying, or posting anything online that I would be ok with if people knew my real name. I always use my real accounts, and I try to be as transparent as possible.

Of course I don’t have any reason to post hateful, angry or hurtful things, but there are other ways to cause harm, and the temptation to do something knowing you are anonymous can be tempting, especially if you are lashing out or seeking revenge.

I’ve been in, on and around the internet since its earliest days, and it’s certainly been fascinating to watch the evolution. It has brought out the best in some people, and the worst in others.

I’m grateful I did not allow it to bring out the worst in me.