January 1, 2022

Happy New Year!!

It feels weird to type “2022”. But here we are!

2021 was certainly an interesting year. I won’t waste time recapping things on a macro level except to say that I’m glad progress has been made against the pandemic although I had sincerely hoped that it would be mostly behind us by now.

On a micro level, 2021 was quite a year for me personally and professionally. I’ve never been busier in my life, and I’ve gained some level of confidence that I can make it outside a traditional corporate job.

On the good side of things, the people I helped buy and sell homes all walked away very happy. It took time and patience, but everyone ended up in a good place. I learned a lot about negotiations and about the value in focusing on the people involved much less than the process or the transaction.

I almost doubled my production with loan signings and again learned the value of treating people right rather than chasing dollars. Being able to take a breath and step back when things get tough has proven to be an invaluable skill.

2021 also brought some painful business lessons as well. I had two people walk away from closings less than a week before the papers were to be signed. I did a lot of work in both situations and walked away completely empty handed. While I understand that those folks did what they had to do, it had a terrible impact on my business as I am not yet successful enough to absorb large losses easily.

Most of all, I’ve learned that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living on other people’s schedules, and having so little control over so many variables.

I did everything I could for the two buyers who walked away, their decisions were based on their personal circumstances, and they were simply doing what was best for them. I handled everything in my control, but the variables outside my control proved to be harsh.

Loan signings have kept me busy, but the stress and anxiety is at times overwhelming. Title companies treat us like children, and they withhold a large percentage of the fee’s we are supposed to earn. Too many times documents aren’t ready or appointments are cancelled (or rescheduled) out of the blue.

Again, the common theme of so many variables outside my control.

I spent 2021 learning, doing my best to be on top of the things I can control, and trying to deal with the things I can’t control.

I’ve learned a ton, almost like trying to sip water from a fire hose!

As I look to 2022, there are a number of things I can improve, but most of all I need to wrap my head around one simple idea, I don’t want my earnings to depend on so many variables over which I have no control, and I don’t want to be tied down to other people’s schedules.

Put simply, I want to be in control of my income, and I want to be able to work anywhere in the world where I can get on the internet.

I’ve met countless wonderful people and seen numerous beautiful places in NY that I didn’t even know existed, but in 2022 I have to take steps towards a better life.

I’m grateful for all I’ve learned and experienced in the past year, and I’m excited to apply it to making more progress in 2022.

And on a more personal level, 2021 is the first year in memory that I did not experience any type of abuse from a partner. After two years of savage abuse in my marriage, time in counseling, and finally the realization that I do not need to allow that kind of thing in my life, 2021 was the year where everything changed.

I was fortunate enough to meet a couple people and while we didn’t develop a long term relationship, they were genuinely good humans, and they were exceptionally nice to me. While it may seem silly, that is not something I’ve been used to, and I take it as an indication that I can now recognize a healthy relationship, and that I can attract a person capable of being in a healthy relationship.

I leave 2021 behind with gratitude having learned so much. I’ve met wonderful people, and quite honestly I’ve survived and proven that I can pick myself up off the floor and keep going. I’ve realized that the most successful people aren’t necessarily the smartest or wealthiest, rather they are the people who keep going no matter how many times they get knocked down.

Thank you 2021, and welcome 2022!

Christmas is Over

The holiday season, especially Christmas, is always a paradox for me. It should be the happiest time of the year with all the family, food, and fun, I mean who doesn’t like getting presents!

We hear happy music and we hear messages of joy and gratitude. People (generally) seem to be in a better mood for a few weeks and many folks even get a few days off from work. There are lots of bright lights and joyful images everywhere helping to remind us of the season.

I desperately want to share in it, to feel it deep inside me. I would love to feel the warmth and love and closeness that so many people seem to enjoy during this time of year. It would be wonderful to be immersed in the holiday’s and to be sad when they are over.

But I don’t, and it’s not for the lack of trying. Every year I tell myself I’m going to feel it. I’m going to get into the spirit of the season, I’m going to finally understand why people love this time of year so much.

And every year I fail. This year was no different.

In almost every way 2021 has been a wonderful year. Business has more than doubled from the previous year, one of my kids graduated from high school and has been flourishing in college. My other kids are doing wonderfully well. I have fully enjoyed the first full year in decades completely free of abuse and drama.

I had hoped to end the year on a high note and fully immerse myself in the holiday season. I had planned to put my lights up early and in October I set out to do my Christmas shopping early (for once!).

But as the season grew near, those intentions fell to the wayside. I dug the lights out, but didn’t put them up. I thought about Christmas shopping, but didn’t. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I found myself right back where I always am, just wishing for it to be over.

To be clear, I don’t mope around, I don’t act like a grinch. I’m not negative or cynical. In fact, I put on a smile and a happy front, pretending to be just as happy as everyone else seems to be. I try very hard to keep my feelings to myself in hopes that I don’t bring anyone else down.

Despite my efforts and hopes, this holiday season was no different than any other. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise, in retrospect there’s no reason it should have been any different. Having a good year and willing myself to have a better holiday is hardly a solid course of action.

Looking back, the holidays were always difficult. My parents divorced when I was young, and while they did their best to make the holidays special, I don’t think I ever got over things being divided up, leaving one place where I was happy for a place that made me sad.

The holidays never felt special, rather they felt like a serious of timelines and benchmarks that had to be met. It was hard to enjoy the day with the knowledge that we were leaving at some point to go with our other parent.

I could probably write a book about all that, but I won’t. I’ll simply say that it was hard to really enjoy the holidays while I was growing up.

Fast forward 20 years and I have a family of my own. There’s no way to feel bad at Christmas when you have little kids in the house. I imagine there were a few years when I enjoyed the holidays.

But eight years ago we divorced, and all the bad about the holiday’s came rushing back.

No more enjoying the time, no more relaxing. Instead the time again became about schedules and timelines. I found it difficult again to enjoy the time knowing it was going to end prematurely.

My kids are older now and Christmas has certainly evolved with them. This year we were lucky to get Christmas in before lunch time. (Apparently 9 am is the crack of dawn for college kids!)

While the morning was nice, for me it was overshadowed by the knowledge that the kids would soon be gone. I tried to live in the moment and to enjoy what time I had, and I did to some extent.

But inevitably everyone left.

I believe some day I’ll unlock the secret to a happy holiday, and on the 26th I’ll be sitting here writing about how amazing the holiday was and how sad I am that it’s over.

Unfortunately that’s not this year, and that’s ok. I did incrementally better this year. I had moments of joy, moments where I didn’t let the past of the future intrude.

So that’s a good thing, and something to build on for next year.

Only A Couple Hours Left

It’s 10pm. In two hours it will be December 22, my birthday.

Birthday’s are nothing special when they happen at Christmas time, but this year is a little different as I will be turning 50 in a couple hours.

My last day of my 49th year has been busy, and it’s just now that I have a minute to stop and collect my thoughts.

I wish there had been an internet like this one when I was 20, and that I had a blog. It would be very interesting to see what my 20 year old self might have said about turning 50. I suspect that almost nothing I would have predicted 30 years ago would have happened. But I’ll take a shot.

• I’d be married for 35+ years
• I’d have 2 kids
• I’d be far up in a large company
• I’d have a comfortable retirement nest egg
• I’d have traveled to places like Italy and Ireland
• My kids would be in college

I’ll be 50 in a couple hours, so here’s how that list I would have made at 20 compares to the reality of today.

• I’m twice divorced
• I have 3 amazing kids
• I’m self employed
• What’s retirement?
• I’ve been to Canada a bunch of times
• 2 of 3 kids are in college

Of course there are lots of other life things that I might have added back then, but it’s safe to say that my life at 50 is nothing like I would have imagined back when I was 20. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching someone else’s life given how far it has gone from what I would have predicted.

But that’s ok. My first 50 years have been interesting, to say the least. I truly believe that I’ve learned a lot, and that the next 50 years have the potential to be amazing thanks to everything I’ve learned. (Yes, I hope to live another 50 years. I believe my generation will expect to live longer than those before us, and to live reasonably well.)

So in the final few hours of my 49th year, what sticks out most?

• I’m grateful beyond words that my kids are healthy and happy, and that they are genuinely good humans. Each of them are already better people than I am.
• I’ve survived two brutally abusive marriages. I could easily write a book about both, but thanks to a really good counselor I’ve finally figured out how I ended up in those situations, and more importantly how to not end up in them ever again. I am extremely grateful for this revelation otherwise I’d be doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes.
• I’m self employed. It still sounds weird to say it. Some days I find it terrifying! I miss getting paid every two weeks! But I’ve learned a ton, and 2021 was a remarkable year. There’s no reason to think 2022 won’t continue the upward trend. I’m very grateful to not be stuck at a cubicle having the life sucked out of me every day.
• I’m still here. It occurred to me today that a fair number of people I went to high school and college with did not make it to 50, or anywhere close for that matter. Life is a fleeting gift that can be taken from any of us at any moment.
• There’s still lots to do. Real estate and loan signings have been an improvement from corporate life, but this is still not the life I want. I’m a slave to other people’s whim’s, my time is absolutely not my own. I have the skills to begin building income streams online, and that’s the only way I will achieve the freedom I seek. I want to be free to work on my time from anywhere on the planet with an internet connection. driving 5,000 miles a month, having people walk away from deals at the last possible second, and always doing things on timelines other people set is still not freedom. but freedom is attainable, if I choose it.

That’s about it for my 49th year. I could probably write 100 blog posts about the past 50 years. But that would be looking backward, I need to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead!

We’re At the End, Or the Beginning

Although we are a week away from Christmas, and most of us are consumed with shopping, planning meals, parties, and other such Christmas fare, we are also two weeks from the end of the year.

The start of the new year always brings promise. The promise to start a new diet and lose weight, the promise to go to the gym, the promise to take that class or learn that skill we’ve been procrastinating.

But it’s at this time of year that we also look back and take stock of how far we have (or have not) come. In most cases, an honest assessment brings a reminder that we probably haven’t kept many of the promises that we made to start 2021. Studies show that few new promises or habits last much past the end of January.

We all have reasons (excuses) for why we didn’t accomplish those goals we set a year ago. “Life happens” seems to be a common theme. “I was busy with work” or lately, “the pandemic” seem to be equally popular excuses.

So we set our goals and make promises to ourselves, we usually fail, and at the end of the year we make excuses.

I would bet many of us would cite this cycle as an annual rite of passage. Something we mindlessly do (or perhaps halfheartedly do) as an annual ritual.

Fueling this silliness are all the folks who make money off our wishful thinking. The fitness business lives off of January, hooking people into memberships, training courses, and all kinds of other optimistic possibilities that help fuel peoples’ fantasies.

Of course the self help folks also profit nicely this time of year. Who doesn’t want to be a better person in 2022? What lonely single person doesn’t want 2022 to be the year they are swept off their feet by that special someone with whom they will live happily ever after!

This isn’t a rant about New Year’s resolutions. Deep down I think we all know the reality. I’ve made and broken countless resolutions.

I think I’ve learned to tune out people telling me about their resolutions, and worst, I’ve tuned myself out from my own attempt to start something new.

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t try or learn new things. That doesn’t mean we can’t lose weight or get in better shape.

If we’re being honest, humans can be quite amazing when they want to be! Lots of people want to lose weight, and they do. Lots of people want to learn a new skill, switch jobs, or find the love of their life, and they do!

The people who fail are probably the majority, but it’s not fair to only focus on them. There are lots of success stories. There are lots of people who “resolve” to do things at other times of the year besides January 1.

Negativity gets a lot of attention, and attention makes people money .

But there’s no reason we can’t celebrate the good. Why not celebrate the people who make it? Why not celebrate ourselves even when we do fail? At least we tried!

Not much good comes from getting down on ourselves, and none comes from beating ourselves up endlessly.

Failing is human. I recently saw a video produced by SpaceX showing their numerous rocket failures, all of which led to (eventually) successful landings. Big spectacular failures resulted in success, success that would not have been possible without all those failure.

If you are taking time to reflect about the year 2021 was, it’s perfectly fine to note what went wrong, or what didn’t turn out as planned.

But it’s not ok to focus on the bad exclusively. What about the good? What went well? And probably most important, what can you learn from the things that didn’t work out?

Don’t be romanced by the year ending notion that things are always bad if they don’t work out. Why didn’t you go to the gym? Why didn’t you finish that course you started? Why didn’t you learn that new skill that was so important a year ago?

Answer those questions, learn from them, and move on. No need to dwell on the past or ruminate on our failures.

Live, learn, move on.

16 Years Ago Today

16 years ago today, very early in the morning, we headed to the hospital for the birth of our third child.

It would be our third child born by c-section, so we were pretty familiar with what we were in for. I have to admit, while I was very excited to meet the newest member of our family, there was a part of me that was a little apprehensive.

Our first two children were girls, and (according to our doctor), the chances of having a boy after two girls weren’t great.

Being the older brother to three sisters, I’m very familiar with having a house full of women and while I certainly wasn’t dreading the idea of being the only man in a house of four women, I was secretly hoping for a boy, despite the unfavorable odds.

Since we chose not to find out the sex of our kids before they were born, there was a good amount of anticipation on my part as we went through all the steps leading up to the surgery.

At one point the doctor and I were “scrubbing up’ and she was joking with me about having another girl. As I recall the last thing she said was “well, there’s always a chance you might get a boy” and the she chuckled and walked away.

Thankfully things went well, and when our little one finally appeared the doctor invited me to stand up and peek over the screen as she declared “it’s a boy!”

I hate to say I actually started laughing! I believe I said something to the effect of “good one doc,” thoroughly convinced she was continuing to have fun at my expense.

But sure enough, as I looked closer, it was a boy!

I almost fell over! All the joking, all the thoughts of a life filled with Disney princesses, dresses, and boyfriends and somehow I had a son!

What a crazy morning! I don’t think the reality of the situation settled in until later that night when I want home to be with the girls. Suddenly my future was filled with Disney princesses AND football!

I’ve never stopped counting my blessings since the day my first daughter was born 20 years ago. I am beyond grateful that I have three happy, healthy and good humans to call my kids.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had a third girl. Of course I would have loved her and cherished her, but in all honestly, having a son has turned out to be a wonderful journey.

“But”

The Cambridge dictionary says the word ‘but’ is used to connect ideas that contrast.

In recent year’s I’ve noticed that the word ‘but’ is also used to politely, or perhaps passive aggressively hurt someone or to give unwelcomed advice.

• “It’s none of my business, but………”
• “I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but……”
• “He’s such a great dad, but………”
• “I appreciate you cleaning the house, but….”

I would challenge you to start any of those sentences and end them with anything good or positive or kind. Whatever follows the ‘but’ in those cases is going to bad 100% of the time.

During the course of an abusive marriage, I noticed my partner using the word ‘but’ frequently and it quickly became a trigger for me. Whenever I hear the word ‘but’ the next thing that enters my mind is “oh great, here it comes”.

And usually it does.

While there are harmless uses of the word ‘but’ I’ve noticed that in most cases the use is anything but (there you go) harmless.

I’m not sure what causes people to feel justified in using the word ‘but’ to say something nice, then something unkind or unwanted. I imagine there’s some psychological reason for it, or maybe some people are just jerks!

Ultimately I’m grateful for my heightened awareness of the word ‘but’ as it has helped me see through people and situations. When I hear it the tenor of the conversation changes and I become much more skeptical about the person and the situation.

6 Degrees of Separation

My first appointment this morning was a routine refinance with a really nice couple at their home on Seneca Lake.

They were friendly and we chatted about various things throughout the signing. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation wound its way to the wife mentioning that she was born in Oklahoma, but she did.

Which was weird, because I was also born in Oklahoma. When I said “believe it or not, I was born in Oklahoma” she replied with “oh really, where?”

I told her I was born in Altus Oklahoma, on the Air Force base. (Side note – I’m note really sure I was born on the base, but my dad was stationed there, so I was born somewhere in Altus.)

To that she replied “I was born and raised in Altus!”

I was shocked! Seneca Lake is a long way from Altus Oklahoma, and we were just random strangers brought together by a mortgage refinance signing.

To make matters ever more surprising, the husband mentioned that he was stationed at the base in Altus (a few years before I was born). He was one of the brave people in the missile silo’s during he Cuban missile crisis.

What a small world!

We spent some time after this discovery talking about Altus. My dad moved on from Altus when I was a baby, and I therefore have no recollection of the place, but this nice couple gave me the quick story of Altus and what it was like to grow up and live there.

It was a remarkable experience and I found myself wishing I could have stayed longer and learned more about my birthplace.

Throughout the day I’ve been caught up thinking about the randomness of this morning, and the odds of meeting two people with whom I share such a connection.

I’m grateful for the brief time I spend with those folks this morning, and grateful to learn a little bit about my past. I hope to someday visit Altus and to explore my birthplace a little.

Courage Is Calling – My First Book Review

I’m not sure if I’ve ever done a book review online, so this may be my first one. I don’t usually feel compelled to write a review (although I have done so online when asked), but in this case, I was pleasantly surprised by what I read and felt it might be helpful to share my thoughts in hopes someone may find them helpful.

Courage is Calling, the newest book from Ryan Holiday, turned out to be a pleasant surprise. I’ve read Mr Holiday’s other books and enjoyed them very much, especially Ego is the Enemy. I find his writing style easy to follow, and his methods for imparting the wisdom of the stoics to be very digestible.

To be honest, I wasn’t really very excited about this newest book. Courage is a word that seems to get thrown around and abused quite a bit nowadays, but I decided to take a chance. I’m glad I did.

The subtitle of the book is “Fortune Favors the Brave”. As I wound my way through the pages I realized that Mr Holiday’s message was fairly simple, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Courage is a choice.

Mr. Holiday cites several examples of historic figures from the stoics up to Martin Luther King Jr who have been faced with the opportunity to shrink, to run, to hide, but they chose to stand tall and push ahead despite the potential consequences.

With the benefit of hindsight, we know that many times things worked out for people, but Mr. Holiday makes it clear that in the moment, there was no such certainty, yet the figures he mentioned chose to press on.

Often times the figures in the book faced great opposition from family, friends, and society, but something inside them drove them to make their own choice, to follow their own path, and to reap the rewards or consequences therein.

I’m grateful to Mr. Holiday for writing this book and highlighting the possibility that courage is a choice. While reflecting on the book, I realized that I often think of courage as something we are born with, or without. But I realize now that it’s not that simple.

The figures in the book all made a choice. They started into the dark, into opposition, into uncertainty, and still decided to act. They were brave enough to follow their heart.

It’s made me rethink many things in my own life. Situations I encounter where I shrink and “play small”. I let someone else’s opposition or my own fears keep me from acting. I take the easy way out. I lack courage in those moments.

Tomorrow I will confront someone who has considerable ill will toward me. They wish to harm me. I have tried for more than a year to appease this person, taking the high road, and absorbing their insults and accusations.

I told myself I was taking the high road. But I wasn’t. I was afraid. Afraid of them. Afraid of what they are willing to do to me.

But I have been foolish. I have done my homework. There is precious little this person can do to me. Their threats have been hot air, bluffs, and stall tactics.

It will come to a head tomorrow night. I will confront this person and although I will listen and be polite and respectful, after reading Courage is Calling I’ve decided that I will not yield. I have to summon the courage to stand up and confront my abuser.

Tomorrow night I have a choice. I am not a victim or a helpless pawn. I can stand up for myself, and more importantly for what’s right. Courage is Calling has helped me reframe this situation, and many others.

I hate to boil 278 pages down to a few simple sentences, but frankly what I took from this book is that courage is a choice and once we view it as a choice, we begin to unlock all the things that go with the choices we can make.

Money Can Buy Happiness

Winter is close at hand, but the flowers I planted in the spring in front of my house still have a few pretty yellow blooms on them.

I spent considerable time last winter trying to plan some upgrades to my landscaping. I wanted lots of color, lots of variety, and something that I could be proud of when I pulled in the driveway.

I have to put it out there that I can barely dress myself (some might say that I can’t!). While I can appreciate fine design and I recognize when things look good together, I find it impossible to understand how they get that way.

I may have a little bit of a music gene, I have absolutely no design or decorating gene.

So I spent the winter pouring over books and online guides about what goes where, how they all go together, and how to make things look good.

None of it worked. By spring I was no closer to a plan than I was when I cracked open my first landscape design book the previous winter.

I was frustrated. My landscaping was a source of frustration, and (in my opinion) an eyesore.

Then one Saturday early in the spring I went to the public market downtown. It was a cold, sunny morning and the market was packed.

As I wandered around taking it all in, one vendor caught my eye. She had all kinds of plants laid out, all different colors, sizes and shapes and suddenly it hit me! I don’t need a plan! I don’t need to keep overthinking this situation. I just need to grab a bunch of these plants and put them in the ground!

So I did. I spent every penny of the $20 I had in my pocket and ran home excited to put my haul into the ground.

At home, I put my anxiety aside, grabbed a trowel, and started planting. My only rule was not to put two plants of the same color next to each other.

Before I knew it, I was done! $20, and 20 minutes had erased months of searching, pondering, planning, and worrying.

Best of all, when I stepped back and looked at what I had done, I was very happy. My heart felt warm, the colors brought more happiness than I would have thought possible.

And throughout the summer, every time I passed the front of the house, I got to look at all those colors. I watched the little plants grow into big plants with more flowers and more colors.

I worked very hard this past summer, many long days, many miles driven, and quite a bit of time away from home. But every single time I pulled in the driveway and saw those colorful flowers, I felt better. I felt happy. I felt at peace in that moment. They seemed to be a beacon reminding me that I was home and everything is ok.

So money can buy happiness. In this case, a measly $20 bill, and it was happiness that repeated itself over and over again during the past 6 months.

Winter is close, so today I’ll be pulling out the flowers and cleaning things up to prepare, but I’m already looking forward to the spring when I can return to the public market with $20 and buy some more happiness.