The Cambridge dictionary says the word ‘but’ is used to connect ideas that contrast.

In recent year’s I’ve noticed that the word ‘but’ is also used to politely, or perhaps passive aggressively hurt someone or to give unwelcomed advice.

• “It’s none of my business, but………”
• “I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but……”
• “He’s such a great dad, but………”
• “I appreciate you cleaning the house, but….”

I would challenge you to start any of those sentences and end them with anything good or positive or kind. Whatever follows the ‘but’ in those cases is going to bad 100% of the time.

During the course of an abusive marriage, I noticed my partner using the word ‘but’ frequently and it quickly became a trigger for me. Whenever I hear the word ‘but’ the next thing that enters my mind is “oh great, here it comes”.

And usually it does.

While there are harmless uses of the word ‘but’ I’ve noticed that in most cases the use is anything but (there you go) harmless.

I’m not sure what causes people to feel justified in using the word ‘but’ to say something nice, then something unkind or unwanted. I imagine there’s some psychological reason for it, or maybe some people are just jerks!

Ultimately I’m grateful for my heightened awareness of the word ‘but’ as it has helped me see through people and situations. When I hear it the tenor of the conversation changes and I become much more skeptical about the person and the situation.