Peter Fountain

Tag: anger

Life

Just Wait

Oct 28, 2020 #anger, #empathy, #hate, #kindness, #patience by Pete

Someone cuts us off in traffic, we shake a fist, we swear, or worse, we take off after them.

Someone is slow in the line at the grocery store. We get upset. We might make a comment under our breath. Maybe we physically try to communicate our displeasure in some passive aggressive way.

Things happen. We react. Pretty normal.

After all, we can’t help how we feel. We are entitled to our feelings.

While we are entitled to our feelings, we are not entitled to take them out on other people.

It’s perfectly easy to lash out at someone who has upset us.

But is that the right thing to do?

Have you ever lashed out at someone, or had some other angry response to something and later regretted it?

We’ve all done things that seemed ok in the heat of the moment that didn’t seem so great after we cooled down.

Especially when it comes to dealing with people we love and care about.

Lashing out at a child who’s spilled their juice for the millionth time.

Taking our bad day out on our spouse as soon as we come through the door.

Again, we are entitled to our feelings. We can’t help how we feel.

But we can help what we do with those feelings.

That’s where “Just Wait” comes in.

Our inappropriate responses to our anger are mostly impulses, not well thought out actions.

We can train ourselves to pause, to wait, even for a few seconds.

And that pause can make all the difference in the world.

It helps remove the impulse to shoot back, to inflict harm on another person.

Easier said than done??

Absolutely!!!

It’s hard as hell!!

We are trained to fight back, stand up for ourselves, never back down. It’s almost part of our DNA.

But you can learn to wait. To pause. To give your brain a chance to catch up and process the situation and the emotions you are feeling.

Remember, you are entitled to your feelings.

But you are absolutely responsible for your actions, your words, and the harm you cause other people.

I’ve learned over the years to wait, and it’s made all the difference.

I can’t speak to what works for everyone, but I will use one or all of the following when I need to wait:

  • take a breath
  • physically remove myself from the situation
  • count
  • count my breaths
  • think about something else – something pleasant
  • go for a walk

Sometimes none of that works, so I just ask myself, “Is this worth it”. Do I need to lose my s***.

Or more importantly, “do I want to lose my s***”.

There’s something to be said for taking the high road, especially when you get the feeling someone is intentionally trying to provoke you.

It’s hard. It goes against what we’ve done most of our lives.

Fight back. Defend. Attack.

But I don’t want to be that person.

Hurt people, hurt people.

I don’t want to hurt people, even those who have hurt me.

Most of the time, when I look back, I wish I hadn’t said something hurtful, or I wish I had walked away. I feel bad about myself for giving in to the easy path.

To be clear, I’m not great at this. I still let my emotions get the best of me sometimes.

I am human, after all.

But the important thing is that I try.

Many times I succeed. And I’m proud of those times. They help build momentum for more successes.

Most of all I don’t quit. I keep trying to wait, to do something productive with my emotions.
It’s hard. It’s a lifelong battle. Hopefully I keep getting better and stronger.

Who knows, maybe someday I’ll even get good at it!

But in the meantime, I wait.

Life

On 9/11

Sep 11, 2020 #anger, #inhumanity, #loss, #pain by Pete

19 years ago today I was at work, just like lots of other people. I worked in for the US government in the Federal Building in downtown Rochester.

We had a TV in the conference room and soon people were gathered around it watching the images of the twin towers burning. We were stunned. We were scared. We were scared.

Before long it was obvious that this was no accident, that in fact we were under attack.

In the lobby of the Federal building a conversation started with the marshals, some judges, and other’s about what to do. Should they evacuate the building?

One marshal pointed out that it was possible that the attack in NY was the tip of the iceberg, and that there may be snipers waiting outside different buildings waiting for evacuees.

Maybe it was safer to stay put, shelter in place as they say nowadays.

Eventually they sent us home, telling us to move quickly to our cars and go straight home.

At home I sat with my (then) wife and 5 month old daughter, eyes glued to the TV, staring in disbelief.

Who the hell is Al Queda? Who the hell is Osama Bin Laden? What’s their beef with the US, or New York, or a bunch of white collar people in office buildings?

But my most vivid memory is of the people on TV in other parts of the world celebrating. There were videos of people marching in a street yelling death to America and rejoicing about news of the attacks.

That has stuck with me. People on the other side of the world celebrating the death of people they’ve never met, never seen, and likely know nothing about.

Celebrating death. Celebrating suffering. Celebrating pain.

I’m sure they had their reasons. I’m well aware that many people around the world don’t think much of the US. We’ve all see people burning flags and protesting and all of that.

But to celebrate the death of citizens was (and still is) impossible to process.

None of the people killed on 9/11 were solders. They weren’t on military bases, they weren’t charging into battle against an enemy.

They were regular people, dropping their kids at school, grabbing their Starbucks, and heading into work.

They were people. Humans.

Some of the celebrants were interviewed. Predictably they found the whole thing perfectly fine, killing any American was justifiable, in their minds.

I’m sure they see America as a bully, a tyrant, an occupying force. On some level their anger is understandable.

But their joy at the death of innocent people is not understandable. It’s savage. It’s cruel. It’s inhuman.

Unfortunately those images are more prominent in my memory than many other’s. The hate. The rage. The lack of humanity. The savage cruelty of people celebrating the death of people.